I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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