Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
