Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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