glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
