I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
