shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
