A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You ruined the universe
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
