I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
