peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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