so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
