ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
