Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize