How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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