Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
