You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
