I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
