I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
