I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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