I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
