This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
