a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
