You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
