i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
