You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
