my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize