the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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