If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
