if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
