dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
