Swine flu is the new snow day.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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