Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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