What a fucking waste of an outfit
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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