During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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