This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
