when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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