bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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