I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
