Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
