I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
