the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
