I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
