Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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