i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
