I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize