I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We need to get me chipped asap
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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