I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
