Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
