her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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