Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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