There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize