Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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