Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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