True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
