Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
