just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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