i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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