went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
