This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
