Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
