The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
being pregnant is like rehab
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
