Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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