If that was your dad, he is hot
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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