ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
