Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
