guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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