It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
