I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
